The Cullen's daily exsistance:A bunch of random one shots
by xxtwilightemoxx
Summary: I have been reading funny twilight one shots 4 a while , i decided 2 publish my own . Plz tell me if there'ye crap or good . PLZZZZ JUST COMMENT , ALTHOUGH GUD ONES WUD BE NICE !So a couple of the characters are OOC , but whatever ! I WILL SAY DISCLAIMER HERE ONLY : AS MUTCH AS I WUD LUV 2 I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT IT ALL BELONGS TO STEPHENIE MEYER , THE LUCKY WOMEN WHO HAD THE DREAM
1. Chapter 1 - fangless

The Cullen's daily life - a collection of random one shots

**I HAVE BEEN READING FUNNY ONE SHOTZ ON HERE 4 A WHILE AND WAS INSPIRED 2 RITE MY OWN SO PLZ REVEIW IT WUD MEAN EVERYTHING 2 ME I WILL RITE A BUNCH OF ONE SHOTZ EACH ONCE FOCASING ON DIFFERENT MEMBERS OF THE CULLENS , WOLVES OR THE VOLTURI - I WILLL RITE ABOUT 6 CHAPTAS MAYBE MORE IF I GET THE REVEIWS ! SO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT SO PLZ REVEIW ! **

Chapter 1 – Fangless

Emmett Cullen sat looking at the celling whilst tapping his chin , with his index finger . His wife , Rosalie Was flipping through fashion magazines , her blonde hair was falling freely down her back . "What are you doing ?" Rosalie questioned , eyeing her husband suspiciously , putting her magazine next to her on their bed ."This is my thinking face , I'm thinking !" He replied back simply , his golden eyes never leaving the celling . "Well stop it , you look constipated !" He stopped 'thinking' before turning to his wife and pouting . Rose just sighed and left the room . Emmett immediately followed . Once they were in the living room , Emmett started 'thinking' again but this time without the face . Edward and Bella sat with their hands entwined in one another's , Nessie sat on Bella's knee twirling her long , brown hair in her hands . On the other couch sat Alice shopping on the internet , her husband Jasper was engrossed in his book he had recently purchased through Ebay ; 101 reasons why the Union sucks ! Carlisle was sitting at the dining table- that was never used for dining – completing his work from the hospital and his wife Esme was cleaning her already spotless , antique coffee table . Jacob was sleeping on the couch , he had a weird looking dog and the sentence 'I love socks ' written all over his face in permanent marker that Rose drew on his face a couple of nights ago , it did one say 'I love cock ' and had a cock drawn on his face but spoiling Rosalie's fun , Edward made it more appropriate for the sake of his daughter .

Half an hour later , Carlisle was at work , Esme , Alice and Rosalie were out hunting . Jacob went back to his house and Edward took Renesmee (Nessie ) out for the day . Leaving Jasper , Bella and Emmett home alone . Jasper was still reading and Bella was watching TV whilst googling random shit on her laptop . Emmett was bored , border then a child listening to a speech told by their parents on how you shouldn't do whatever . He started humming to himself rather loudly , he then started singing .

"_These words are burning inside of me , spend years in liquid harmony ."_

"_This dream is who I wanna be , Youth and Whisky ."_

"EMMETT SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Jasper screeched putting his book on his knees . Emmett shut up but pretended to scratch his cheek but actually was sticking his middle finger up at Jasper .

Jaspers POV

Son of a bitch , I thought to myself . I decided to just calm his emotions and get to the end of my book , then I remembered Bella . I looked up at her Emmett started cursing saying I am a cheating , Emo basted . He took a seat next to Bella was shutting of her laptop and putting it on the floor . I was glad me and Emmett didn't start a fight because if we did , I would regret it and I know Emmett would too – like literally I really do know . Whenever we fought the house would be destroyed , harsh words would be said and we would always end up in trouble with Carlisle . And poor Bella would have been caught up in the midst of it all , Emmett would force her to pick a side and then she would be pressured and then Emmett would be more mad at me for accusing me of sending her waves of persuasion . Then all of a sudden , Emmett jumped up …

Emmett's POV

Stupid motherfucker , sending me calmness, I wish I had a cool gift , like turning people into robots or pepperoni's ! Yeah , that be so awesome , whenever Eddie started to get annoying with his Emo broodiness or tell me to stop thinking about something – probably Rose naked , I could just turn him into a peperoni and then Jacob could eat him !Then suddenly I was struck with an idea ; I'll arrange myself a dentist appointment ! "Hey guys will you come with me ?" Bella looked up from the TV "Where ?" Her topaz eyes glistened as she spoke in her soft , comforting voice . "To my dentist appointment ?" Jasper looked up now too , they looked at each other then back at me . "What?" Jasper asked glaring at me curiously , his expression had shock , disbelief mixed in with the curiosity . Smirking , I told them to wait a sec before disappearing out of the room . When I got in the attic , I sniffed the air trying to sniff out the item I was searching for , then it hit me rubber and glue . I walked to a big , brown box that held a bunch of trinkets that we'd collected from over the decades . At the very bottom , there was a small box , which inside held some fake vampire fangs and some super-duper extra very extremely strong super strong glue . After applying the super-duper extra very extremely strong super strong glue to the fangs I positioned them in my mouth before the super-duper extra very extremely strong super strong glue stuck to my gums and my teeth making me have vampire fangs . I walked back down stairs to see my siblings jaws hitting the ground .

"What the Hell are you doing , Emmett ?" Jazz asked . Laughing I grabbed the phone from the table and dialled a number .

"_Hello , thank you for calling MacDonald's what would you like to order ?" _A miserable voice said

"_Wrong number , fuck you !" _I then hung up the phone and dialled another number – this time the right one .

"_Hello , how may I help you?" The women who worked at the Dentist chirped _

"_I woukd fike to aranhege a hentist apploinsttment ?" _Damn these bloody fangs

"_Um , could you repeat that again please ?" _I handed the phone to Jazz and told him what tom say ,he was able to understand me as his vampire brain was more intelligent then a humans_ . _

"_Um , sorry that was my brother whom has a terrible tooth ache , I should of called you first , I err , was wondering if we could arrange a dentist appointment for my brother ?" _Jasper asked reluctantly , not wanting to waist a Dentists time .

"_Oh , it's alright sir and yes we can just squeeze you in in an half hour , one of our patients just had to cancel her appointment due to a family crisis . Can you and your brother be ready by then? _" Her voice was cheerful but had a sort of rough patch to it , perhaps she had a cold .

"_Of course thank you , ma'am." _My Southern accent slipped then .

"_Could you please state your brother's name and age ?"_

"_Certainly, Emmett Cullen age 20 ." _

"_Oh , um yes Dr . Cullen's foster children , um your farther is a fantastic surgeon!" _

"_Yes I know , thank you , see you in an half hour then ."_

"_Um yeah , err I –I well bye !" _

Once she found out she was talking to a Cullen the fear in her voice was clear . When I looked back up at my siblings Bella was just staring at me blankly , as if I was missing one of my eyes . Emmett was smirking and with this stupid fangs in he looked ridiculous .

Bella's POV

Half an hour past fairly quickly and here I was in the waiting room of Seattle Dental surgery with my siblings , I mean I knew Emmett was a little destructive and often enjoyed playing prank , I mean Edward

warned me about that when I was human , but I could not understand what had possessed him to arrange a dentist appointment , that someone else with an actual problem could have been doing , but no he stuck in some fake fangs , which is also insulting our kind – so really he is the idiot – what the Hell , Emmett will be Emmett I'll just sit back and watch him make a fool of himself . "Emmett Cullen the Dentist is ready to see you !" The receptionist who spoke to Jasper earlier on the phone announced . Emmett assisted me and Jazz should come in to see the Dentist with us . The Dentist looked like he was in his mid- 40's , his hair was balding as he only had a couple off tuffs here and there . He was washing his hands and putting on some rubber , white gloves . "What seems to be the problem Mr .Cullen ?" He answered in a polite tone , he turned around to greet his patient . He looked at me with eyes full of lust , he held his hand out for me to shake "Lovely to meet you , are you a Mrs . Cullen as in Mr . Cullen's wife ?" He had his fingers crossed and I noticed his cheeks turned a faint red colour . I put my perfectly manicured hand (thanks to Alice) into his hand covered by t a white glove . "Well I am a Mrs .Cullen not just in that way ."I replied back trying to be polite . "Oh are you Mr .Cullen's sister ?" His eyes were hopeful , still filled with a hint of lust ."well yes , but I'm married to his brother ." The hope drained from his yes like how the blood drains from my prey as I suck out it's blood . He looked at Jasper and extended his hand (the one I previously just shook) Jasper shuck the man's hand "Hello , and who are you ?" Asked the Dentist . Jasper replied back as soon as the Dentist released his hand "I am his brother ." His eyes rose in fear , his palms became sweaty , despite the fact he was wearing gloves , due to my vampire eyesight I was able to see through the thin rubber . "The lady's husband ?" His voice was small , weak . Jasper held an emotionless expression on his face , probably feeling all of the man's lust towards me – how sickening was that? "Now I'm her brother." After that he seemed to relax , he walked over to Emmett who was lying on the Dentist chair ."So Emmett , what seems to be the problem ?" Emmett flashed a fang filled grin before looking at Jazz , he told Jazz what to say before we got here . "Well as you see , my brother has some fang like teeth making his speech slurred , he also suffers from tooth aches ." The doctor looked astonished , his eyes wide with disbelief . "Those are his real teeth ?" He asked , his forehead was dripping with his sweat he got a wash cloth rom over by his sink and swiped it over his head a couple of times . "Alright Emmett , open wide I'm just going to take a look inside your mouth , please keep still . " Emmett opened his mouth wide and the Dentist who's nametag had recently been hidden under his collar examined Emmett's mouth with his mirror tool thing . "So you guys don't look related , well Emmett and the lovely lady do but …" Jasper spoke up confidently "Were adopted , I am sure you have heard of our adoptive farther Carlisle Cullen who works in the hospital o Forks , well Emmett and I were adopted by Carlisle and his wife – our adoptive mother – Esme along with some others ; Alice , Edward and Rosalie . Edward just recently married to Bella , who is the lovely lady you just spoke too . " He nodded as he understood our background story . Then a women appeared from the hallway "Sorry I am late , Dentist , a patient just fell down the stairs !" She had ice blue eyes , blonde scraggy hair (most of it cheap extensions) and her lips were glossed in red lip gloss , I suppose she thought she looked amazing ; in my opinion I think she looks like a slut rather then a Dentist assistance . Poor Jasper and Emmett , this girl would be all over them . To my surprise , she merely glanced at them and she started eyeing me up . Was she a lesbian ? "That's quite all right Mrs . Slutsucker , is the patient okay ?" His voice said he didn't really care but he tried to make it sound as if he was a caring man . "Yes , she's fine now . Is there anything I can do ?" He looked up from my brothers mouth before telling her to pass her something . All of a sudden , Emmett burst out with laughter . "What's wrong Mr .Cullen ?" Asked the Dentist . Emmett pointed at his name tag , his name tag had been covered by the collar of his shirt , I glanced at it seeing why Emmett thought it was so God damn hilarious . Dentist Babadick . I let out a small snicker as did Jasper , it then turned into a room full of laughter , the Dentist turned 10 different shades of red , until he was blood red . Red , warm blood pulsing through his veins , just one simple movement could kill him and then I could feed of him satisfying my burning throat . No Bella , you can't do that to him , be a good mom to Nessie , set a good example , make Edward and Carlisle proud . "For your information Emmett , in my country , which is India , it actually means – " He was cut off by Emmett , of course to Dentist Babadick didn't know what he was saying , to him it was a low grumble , what Emmett actually said was "I know what it means it means you're a fucking retard with a small dick

like Eddie !" A low growl ripped from my burning throat , I felt my emotions calm slightly , I sent a glance and a smile to Jasper ( who sent one back) to say a quick thanks without being conspicuous around the Dentist and his assistant Mrs Slutsucker , seriously what the fuck is up with this crazy arse name shit ? Mrs Slut came over to me and started rubbing my shoulders and whispered in my ear " Are you alright , Darling ?Seeing your family at the Dentist scares you doesn't it ? You'll be alright , I'll look after you . " She continued rubbing my back , I didn't want to be un polite and tell her to stop so I just went with it . Emmett laughed again . "Is there anything you want , Love ?" She asked me fluttering her false eye lashers attempting to be seductive . Well how about you leave me the fuck alone , Bitch ! "Um , a glass of water would be nice ." I said , Emmett and Jasper eyed me curiously . She smiled and twirled her filthy, blonde hair in her hands , it was then I noticed she had a piercing in her left ear , but not in the other . "Alright Sweetheart , that's no trouble at all , we just ran out of plastic cups in here so I'll just going get a stack of them from the storeroom !" She left the room to go and get my drink – that I wasn't going to drink . I went to stand next to Jazz , I pushed him onto a spare chair that was near the wall he sat on it whilst I sat on his knee . He put his arms around my neck and then swooped my feet around so I was sitting on his knee , in his arms bridal style . My brothers smirked and Jazz kissed my forehead. The Slut came back with my water and a stack of cups , she handed me the drink along with a scrappy piece of paper before putting the cups in the correct places , but some out – my guess one for Emmett when the Dentist was done with him and one for me if I got thirsty again – I am thirsty but water is not going to quench my first , if she pisses me off anymore I just might show her how I satisfy my thirst . She was dismayed to see me in Jaspers arms . I tossed half a cup of water into the nearby trash can – I kept the other half to keep up my human stuff – got to make sure the humans aren't paying much attention to us .

Emmett's POV

Okay , I am officially bored , it sure was amusing watching a lesbo flirt with Bella though . Poor Bella , she looked at the scraggy piece of paper in her hand , she opened it and looked at the even scraggier handwriting written on it read : **Hey honey want to fuck** , **your so sexy my pussy is I'd love to see your creamy white arse . **** Hey baby , I know you're not lesbo , like me (I'm not sure if you knew if I was lesbian – but I am : ) ) I looked at your fourth finger on your left hand and saw a wedding ring , I thought someone as sexy as you would be married . Your probably straight , but trust me one you get a load of me , you'll be begging your hubby for a divorce . so call me my numbers on the back of the paper Hope we can get together sometime soon so we can fuck , love Tiffany oxoxoxoxoxoxo p.s do u want to send pictures of u naked my emails on the back pp.'s please call soon sugar tits **

I looked at Bella and her shocked face , Jazz looked angry . I wanted to rip this bitch's head of for causing my sister unhappiness as much as I love lesbo's , I love my little sister more . Bella slipped the note in her pocket probably showing Edward – just in case this lesbo somehow finds out Bella's number and calls her but Edward picks up .

Hey I wonder what this does ? It was a long , sharp thingy with a sharp needle on the end . "I wonder what this does , is it a dart I know it's a plain!" I yelled , only Bella and Jazz knew what I was saying but I didn't care . I woodshed the needle thing around the room pretending it was a plain "Oh no , Tornado !" I shook the needle before throwing at the Lesbo Slut . It landed in her arm , she then passed out . "Oops , I said ." Thank God the Dentist got a phone call at the main desk then . "If he asks , which I guess he will she is a suicidal Emo like Jazz and Edward !" Jasper and Bella growled at my last comment . Then the Dentist walked in , his face formed a crooked 'O' as his face went from relaxed to shocked , he stared at unconscious assistant on the floor "W – what h- happened to her ?"He choked out , nervously . Jasper and Bella just stared at him , emotionlessly . Oh great , so Bella is turning Emo now ? Guess , I looked at Jazz . "I'm sorry Dentist Babadick , she is a suicidal Emo , she attempted to take her own life ! It was a dread-full thing to watch !" He spoke slowly , making it sound as if he was concerned about the Slut . He nodded , and announced he would go and get someone to drag out her body and call and ambulance . "I am terribly sorry about that , so let's continue Emmett , back on the chair , and I have bad news , I am afraid that we will have to pull out your teeth !" Good luck trying dude , these are stuck on with super-duper extra very extremely strong super strong glue ! He came forward with a big needle and said I was to be put to sleep . I'm not a pussy , like Eddie and Tom from that stupid cartoon on Boomerang ! I looked at Jazz "Dentist Babadick , Emmett is trying to signal to me that he wants to be kept awake for the task of you pulling out his teeth !" I nodded my head , Babadick looked horrified but agreed to my command . He started to pull out my fangs , or at least try to . 4 and a half hours later , his head was as sweaty as a guy's armpits after a billion mile run ! Then suddenly , he yelled in pain . "My hand it is broken !" Tears came trickling down his scrunched up face , his cheeks were redder then a fire engine , not wanting to cry in front of Bella , who went to tell the women at the front desk . She came back , along with a second set of paramedics , they kept looking at her arse as she walked ; she clearly knew this as she went back to sit on Jazz's knee . Once Babadick was wheeled out on a stretcher , we were free to leave . Before we did I pointed to the wall and erupted with laughter . "HEY GUYS , LOOK !" I screamed , they turned their attention to the wall and burst out with laughter . Stuck in the pale , green wall was my fake fangs ! I took them out of the wall and put them in my pocket before we left the dentist and drove back home to the rest of family who had returned from their trips . I went to my Rosy and kissed her pink glossy lips , I swooped her onto my knee and glanced around the room . Alice was asking Jasper weather his book was good or not , despite the fact she already knew . Edweirdo was holding Bella in his arms and Nessie sat on Bella's knee showing her about her day . Esme was back to cleaning her once again , already spotless house and Carlisle emerged from the kitchen "So what have you three done today ?" He asked looking at Jazz . Bella and I , we just looked at each other and laughed .

** PLZ I AM CURRENTLY RITING ONE SHOT NUMBA 2 IT SHUD BE POSTED WITHIN THE NEXT WEEK IF NOT ITZ CUZ I HAVE NO REVEIWS SO PLZ REVEIW I WANT AT LEAST 1 REVEIW EVEN IF IT IS AN ANNYOMOUS VEIWER PLZ I JUST ONE A FRIGGIN REVEIW AND I HAVE NO COMMENTS ON MY WATTPAD STORYY ON WATTPAD ITZ CALLED GIFTTED ITZ A TWILIGHT STORY SO CHECK OUT THAT 2 IFF U WANT - BUT I WUD APRECIATE REVEIWS AND UR INPUT ON WHAT I SHUD INCLUDE (IDEAS WISE) IN WHAT IS SHUD INCLUDE **

** DONT 4GET TO REVEIW PLZZ! **


	2. Chapter 2 - CONTINUEATION FROM FANGLESS

**RIGHT THIS IS A CONTINUE STORY FROM FANGLESS - I KNOW IT IS A COLLECTION OF ONESHOTS BUT THIS IS A TWO SHOT AND THE REST ARE ONE SHOTS - PLZ I NEED UR REVEIWS I LUV EM - THANK YOU SO MUCH SO KEEP 'EM COMING . I DID THIS TWO SHOT BECAUSE I GOT ONE COMMENT ONLY FOR THIS STORY AND THE COMMENT SAID THAT I SHUD CONTINUE THIS AND DO A CHAPTER WHERE EMMETT AND JAZZ TELL - WELL READ IT 4 URSELF THIS STORY (FANGLESS) IS DEDICATED TO FAITH BOW 4 GIVING ME SUM IDEAS !**

Bella's POV

"What's so funny ?" My gorgeous husband questioned staring at me with loving , gold eyes . I was already shielding Emmett and Jasper , I decided I wasn't going to show Edward this I would burn the note next week , the only time I will have a spare second whilst he's out hunting . "Why are you shielding them ? What's wrong ?" Now his eyes glistened with concern . As much I want him to show him the note , so I won't stink of guilt for all of eternity , I didn't want him to worry about me going out in public because I keep getting hit on – especially by lesbians ! So I smiled weakly and tried to reassure him . "Nothing please just relax , I'm shielding them because Jasper said that Emmett was feeling lust all day , because Rose was sending him naked pictures to him . So I decided to shield them to spare you from it , and besides I could always use more practice , if I can do this and it does not cause much effort or pain or whatever , I can do it more often so you can read my thoughts!" I know I am a bad liar but it sounded pretty convincing , and Edward bought it . Although , I do feel incredibly guilty for not telling him the truth . I guess he wouldn't be setting a good example for Nessie if he kicked the shit outta a lesbo though . so I guess it ends here .

"Amazing , I love you . " Edward mumbled into my hair whilst stroking my back gently . He wrapped more of the ripped blanket over our naked bodies before kissing my lips (the ones on my face !) I glanced around at the room , the walls were covered in cracks , the blankets were in shreds and our clothes were lying on the floor and they looked as if they just went through the paper shredder . Our laughter filled the broken room before we entered our closet (which is a billion times bigger then the house itself !) Edward found a pair of designer black jeans and a white, button-down shirt , the label on the back was Gucci . He didn't even attempted to tackle his bronzy-brown swirls of Heaven .He put on some Italian , black leather shoes under his black socks . I found some black , see through tights and a black dress that looked like a long sleeved shirt . I put on the outfit that was designed by some company called Dior , another famous fashion brand I 've heard Alice and Rosalie babbling about . I put on some plain black , shiny heels that were also designed by Dior , before we ran to the main house where the rest of our family was .

Esme greeted us as we entered the living room , she hugged us both and smiled warmly . After returning the smile , Emmett swooped me up in his arms and sat me on his knee . He whispered gently in my ear , quiet enough so that only he , Jasper (who was sitting next to us on the couch ) and I would only be able to hear ."Shield us if you don't want Eddie to know about the lesbo slut ." I immediately obeyed . "She called this morning , told me to ask you weather you wanted to fuck her or not . " I was thankful that Carlisle and Edward were talking privately in his office , he would be concentrating on his discussion not the thoughts of his family or wondering why I was shielding Emmett and Jasper . "She left you a voice mail , Esme and Carlisle were out in the garden and weren't paying attention – they didn't hear anything ." Jasper announced . Emmett stood up , grabbed the phone and motioned for us to come with him . Jasper and I followed Emmett out of the room and we ran 8 miles – just to be sure no one could hear us . "Would you like to do the honours , sister ?" I am NOT listening to this , I'm deleting it ! Jasper must of felt my nervousness because suddenly I felt exited and a little … horny to listen to the voice mail . Me , Isabella Marie Swan Mason Cullen , married to a wonderful , loving husband with a gorgeous little Angel for a daughter , I was horny for a lesbian . I pressed play , and Emmett smiled wider then the Cheshire cat . Her 'seductive' slut voice came through the little speakers .

**Hey Baby , why haven't you called me . Did you loose my number ? It's fine just keep this number **

**I'm calling you with in your contact list . So sexy lady , how have you been , fingering yourself for **

**me , because I've already got two fingers inserted my soaked pussy for you ? My address is 42 **

**Suckmeoffslut drive it is just round the corner to the dentist in Seattle . So what you say sugar tits , **

**Want to come and fuck . Come and taste my pussy , my wet pussy ? Tell me your address and**

**email . Bye call me soon . **

Emmett and Jasper were in hysterics and I stood there embarrassed . "What's so funny , why are you

shielding them ?" I just grabbed Edward by the arm back to the house . I could not let him find the

note !I know where I will hide it ! Just have to wait until he goes hunting …

Edwards POV

My Bella's acting strange lately , I hope Jasper and Emmett aren't bothering her , she seems to

always be shielding them . I will bring it up after we are done hunting . "Yo , Fuckward , hurry up

man , I NEED my Grizzly's !" Emmett's voice echoed throughout my home whilst I walked to the door

before exiting my home . "Stop calling me that !" I hate it when he called me that – especially

around Nessie , she would pick up on bad language , she watches south park not even a year old ,

Bella lets her watch it , I don't blame me gorgeous wife though . We ran to our favourite forest ,

wresting along the way .Jasper suddenly asked "What's wrong , Edward ?" He sent me waves of

happiness . "Bella has been kind of weird lately , and I'm worried , I saw you guys with her earlier

and she was shielding you what from ?" I would be polite and ask them instead of reading their

minds . "Edward , dear little brother , we do not know how to tell you this but Bella is , she's , she's

dying of cancer and is going to live in Amsterdam !" He was lying on the ground pretending to

cry. "How stupid do you think I am ? " I asked rolling my black eyes at my dry-sobbing brother . He

got up and stood in his previous position "Okay , she's lesbo ." I'm sick of this – why can't they

just tell me what's wrong ? "Emmett seriously I've had enough of your shit what- " I was cut of by

Jasper . "It's true she says she's sorry , she wanted us to tell you . She is leaving you for some female

vampire named Tiffany – you'll only be allowed to see Renesmee on holidays such as ; Christmas ,

Easter , Halloween , birthdays and Lepricon day . I am sorry , I can feel that your filled with rage ,

confusion and other unable emotions so if you don't believe me read my mind . " His face looked

convincing .

**So sexy lady , how have you been , fingering yourself for **

**me , because I've already got two fingers inserted my soaked pussy for you ? My address is 42 **

**Suckmeoffslut drive it is just round the corner to the dentist in Seattle . So what you say sugar tits , **

**Want to come and fuck . Come and taste my pussy , my wet pussy ? Tell me your address and**

**email . Bye call me soon . **

**A blonde girl by the name of Tiffany swished around Jasper's head . **

Could this be true , is my Bella leaving me for a lesbian , Jasper must of felt my shock , sadness ,

anger (towards the lesbo , I could never be mad at my Bella )because suddenly I felt happiness and

calmness enter my system . If Bella wanted to run away with a Lesbo , I would be happy for her , but

I know that they are lying , my Bella would never leave me . "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP TRYING

TO TELL ME MY WIFE IS A LESBO , I AM NOT ROSS GELLAR !" It seemed to shut them up , my

gorgeous Bella is mine not a fucking sex toy for a lesbo .

Emmett's POV

**GRIZZLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY**

**YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!**

"I CAN SEE A GRIZZLY ,

IT HAS FUR THAT IS ALL FRIZZLY ,

I AM GOING TO DRINK ITS MOTHERFUCKING BLOOD ,

ARE YOU GOING TO STOP ME , NO , GOOD

CUZ IF YOU DID YOU AND THE BEAR ,

WOULD BE UP THERE *POINTS TO SKY *

NOW RUN ALONG , LET ME EAT ,

NOW EMMY DIG IN INTO YOUR FEAST !" I sang my ' I see a Grizzly song before pouncing on

my unsuspecting victim draining all of it's satisfying blood from it's course , enjoying the feeling of

the thirst quenching blood trickling down my throat . I heard my brother's mumbling behind me

"Why the fuck does he have to sing that stupid song every time he sees a Grizzly ?" Jasper asked

Edweirdo . "Because , he is a retarded shit , I thought it was obvious ." He replied in a 'DUHH ' voice .

Once we ate we went back home , it was a very short hunt but still satisfying !

Bella's POV

I will hide in my book ' 100 ways to get a virgin vampire who insists on getting married before you fuck each other senseless ' by ' Emmett McCarty , Emmett got me this for my 18th birthday , he put it on top of the sound system he also got me . Useless book , never worked ! I wonder who this Emmett McCarty is though …... ooh I know the fucking Gaylord basted I'm going to kill for making me try to give Edward a love bite but ended up breaking my teeth . Personal note to self : Google Emmett McCarty and find out where the fuck he lives . I put the note in the shit book – I did not burn it because the burning smell of paper would linger in the air for a weak (vampire have good sense of smelling noses ) whilst if I put it in this book the scent of myself and the note will be gone in three days .

**Ooh BABY DON'T YOU KNOW I SUFFER , **

**OOH BABY CAN'T YOU HEAR ME MOAN , **

**YOU CAUGHT ME FROM FALSE PRETENDCES , **

**HOW LONG BEFORE YOU LET ME GO , **

**OOH , YOU SET MY SOUL ALIGHT . **

My phone , that will be Jake probably . I looked at the caller ID , I was right ! It was Jacob !

**_"Hi Belles , what's occurring ?"_**

**_"Jake , seriously , you watch way to much Gavin and Stacey !" _**

**_"How's Nessie , the baby ?" _**

**_"Jake ."_**

**_"Sorry , wanna come to mine , we can fix up this bike that Embry brought over ?"_**

**_"Sure Jake , sounds cool , I will be there in five minutes . "_**

**_"K , bye . "_**

**_"Bye , Jake ." _**

I hung up the phone and darted out the door with vampire speed (after closing the door of course ) and I really was at La Push in five minutes ! I didn't need to knock on the door as Jake could smell my 'bloodsucking leach ' scent , I think I smell quite nice like honey , roses and freesias . "Hi Belles ." Jake's gentle voice greeted me . His muscly arms wrapped around my torso and he picked me up in a bear hug – or wolf hug and spun me around . His Jakeish grin ripped through and we walked to his garage . When we entered , I noticed a big motorcycle , half of its engine stuff was next to it . Me and Jake got to work on rebuilding the engine and all of the motorcycle shit that went with it . We listened to 'This is Halloween ' by 'Panic! At the disco '

Edwards POV

Home early from my hunt , what shall I do ? Bella is not in our home , she must have gone to La Push to hang out with Jacob . What is that scent ? I walked to the bookcase and picked up the book that had my stunning wife's scent all over it and another unfamiliar scent or paper and ink . I picked up the book ' 100 ways to get a virgin vampire who insists on getting married before you fuck each other senseless ' by ' Emmett McCarty ' Ooh Emmett said this was a good read , I might read it to pass some time . Then suddenly a note fell out of it , I picked up the note and read it , then I gasped. **Hey honey want to fuck , your so sexy my pussy is wet for you I'd love to see your creamy white arse . Hey baby , I know you're not lesbo , like me (I'm not sure if you knew if I was lesbian – but I am : ) ) I looked at your fourth finger on your left hand and saw a wedding ring , I thought someone as sexy as you would be married . Your probably straight , but trust me one you get a load of me , you'll be begging your hubby for a divorce . so call me my numbers on the back of the paper Hope we can get together sometime soon so we can fuck , love Tiffany oxoxoxoxoxoxo p.s do u want to send pictures of u naked my emails on the back pp.'s please call soon sugar tits . **

I was shocked as fuck , my beautiful Bella , a lesbian . My first and only fuck , the girl I love , the mother of my child , my wife , my other half , my sex kitten , my darling , my honey , my love , my hope , my faith , my destiny , my life , my mate . A lesbian…

Jasper and Emmett were right she is A FUCKING LESBAIN WHAT THE FUCK !

Bella's POV

When I got back from Jake's I smelt Edwards scent at the main house , so I just went there instead of my house . He must of got back from his hunt early . When I got their Emmett and Jasper gave me cold , heartless , death glares . Edward was trying to say something but couldn't " Be-b y-you're a –a l- les-." I sat next to him and stroked his arm . "Bella I think you have to apologize to Edward , he is hurting because of you ." Jasper said in a hard tone , he looked like a heroin addict , his death glare was more druggie . His eyes all droopy , he was feeling my scared emotions ."No she doesn't , It's her choice I fully support you and I am sorry I am not good enough for you , please may we discuss this about Renesmee ." Edward was about to hold my hands but looked at me with an apologetic look ."What's wrong , is Renesmee all right ?" Emmett looked up at me , his golden eyes were filled with furry . I gulped , he stared me down and I stood anxiously waiting for him to speak ."You're a sick bitch do you know that ? " I looked at him with venom pooling in my eyes . "YOU GET ME AND JAZZ TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK FOR YOU , DO YOU KNOW HOW SICK IT IS TO STAND HERE AND KNOW YOU ARE LEAVING YOUR MATE FOR SOME LESBO SLUT NAMED TIFFANY !" Edward found the note , Emmett and Jazz are playing me , the Basted's . "Emmett shut up , Edward what did they tell you ?" I looked at my mate , venom threatening to spill for his irises , and vampires can't cry . He opened his mouth to speak "Bella , I don't mind that you're a lesbian , you don't need to feel ashamed of yourself , I will help you pack your bags , I hope you and Tiffany – whoever she is will be happy together . I found the note and asked Jasper and Emmett about it and they admitted everything , please can we talk about me only seeing Nessie on holidays ?" MY HUSBAND THOUGHT I WAS LEAVING HIM , FOR A MOTHERFUCKING LESBAIN ! "Edward I am not leaving , please never think that I would ever leave you , I love you more then my own life !" He was about to say something but I put my finger to his lips before pouncing on Emmett . "YOU FUCKING MINIPULTIVE, MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING , BASTED SHIT ! HOW DARE YOU CONVINCE HIM I AM LEAVING HIM AND WHO FOR … A FUCKING STALKER ! A LESBIAN , A LESBAIN WHO IS GOING TO HELL ALONG WITH YOU ONCE I AM FUCKING DONE WITH YOU ! " WE HAD AN INTENSE FIGHT BEFORE JASPER BUTTED IN TO BREAK IT APART . "CALM DOWN IT WAS A JOKE !" I TURNED TO JASPER AT VAMPIRE SPEED "NO JASPER , YOU'RE THE JOKE ,HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I GO AND TELL ALICE THAT MARIA HAS JUST CAME ROUND AND GAVE YOU A BBLOW JOB , THAT SHE IS SHIT IN BED AND MARIAS BETTER AND YOUR RUNNING AWAY TOGETHER AND YOU HAVE SNAPPED EVERY HEEL YOU OWN ! HOW WOULD YOU FUCKING LIKE IT I DID THAT ?" He didn't like that – he pounced on me and we had an intense fight and Edward pulled us all apart .

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" My mate screamed .

"I will explain everything , baby please don't think I would ever leave you , your my life , my love , my mate , I love you , Emmett and Jasper were playing a sick joke – I promise I will explain everything and then you can go and kill the lesbo –please , I love you ." I kissed his lips and he kissed back lacing his strong fingers in my hair . "Bella we're sorry , we shouldn't of done that , we are ashamed to think that we almost made you , Edward and Renesmee , also the whole family sad . "Emmett said and Jasper nodded , all four of us hugged and watched the tellytubbies whilst drinking blood out of juice cartons .

**PLZ REVEIW**

**REVEIWS = MORE CHAPTERS **


	3. Chapter 3 - Athendora's birthday wish

**IMPORTANT : PLEASE REVEIW , UR REVEIWS SO FAR HAVE BEEN FANTASTIC I LOVE 'EM SO KEEP EM CUMING**

**THIS IDEA CAME TO ME RANDOMLY , TELL ME WHAT U THINK !**

**Athenodora's birthday wish **

**Caius's POV **

"Happy birthday , Darling !" I gazed lovingly into my gorgeous wife's bright , red eyes . Her lush lips were curved up in a smile , as I wrapped my arms around her giving her a birthday hug ! "YEAH , YEAH , THANKS FOR THE B-DAY HUG , WHERES MY FUCKING PRESENTS , MAN , I NEED LOVE TODAY , CAUIS , LOVE , MAN ?" She was currently searching my cloak for presents . "Athena , darling please stop that , you sound live a hippy now listen , you will get your presents later but first I want to show you something . I led my stunning wife through the castle until we reached the new part of the castle we had just had installed , we bought an extension . I opened the door and turned around to see her reaction , she was smiling from ear to ear , yikes . Did I just turn into Shaggy from Scooby Doo ? "It is fantastic , is this what I think it is ?" She asked me with lustful eyes . I nodded before whispering in her ear . "It's our own fuck hut , it is not just a present , every mated couple in the Volturi get their own one , if you're wondering what that dreadful sound is then it is Afton and Chelsea fucking like animals . " She had realisation written over , her gorgeous , angel like , face . She then said "I thought that was Aro spanking Marcus , because he tried to masturbate over Sulcipa because she resembles Didyme's past appearance . " I let out a low chuckle , at my wife's confusion . I kissed her head before whispering " No darling , Aro will find out later , don't tell the guard I told you but It is one of your presents to hear the cries of Marcus , see humiliation written over his face!"

Felix's POV

_Baby , baby , baby ooh ._

_And I was like Baby , baby , baby ooh . _

OOH A TEXT ! YAY , IM POPULAR ! AND IT IS FROM DEMETRI !

**_I JUST ATE A SQURIEL ! ;0_**

How odd , he ate a Squirrel ! He would normaly eat centepeids with ketchup , maybe he should go hang around with the Cullen's . Speaking of the Cullen's I bet Bella still looks hot as fuck !

**_I ate a butterfly yesterday, it tasted crunchy ! ; p_**

**_Why would you eat that , you eat blood , dumbass ._**

**_I was shouting for Aro and it flew in my mouth : 0 _**

**_Okay… _**

**_WHAT YOU ATE A FUCKING SQURIEL DUDE , SO DON'T TELL ME I CAN'T EAT BUTTERFLYS !_**

**_KAY MAN , CHILL . BTW , time for your Guard duty . _**

**_Alright . _**

Why do you have Justin Bieber as your ringtone ? Asked Jane looking at me as if I had two heads .

"Better then the theme tune to 'Go Diego go ' , so see ya , Bitch !" Seriously , I know she is stuck in a 13 year olds body and she is still kind of a kid but she has been alive for centuries !

"HEY WHAT DIEGO DOES TO HELP THOSE ANIMALS IS SO BRAVE OF HIM , AT LEAST DEIGO ISN'T A FAGGOT LIKE JUSTIN ! " Stupid , little bitch !

"Hey , he is just girly not gay , plus I you love animals so much going join the Cullen's !" I was then filled with the excruciating pain , better known as Jane's gift "Give me a break , Felix , I haven't even reached puberty yet !"

She stormed off and I headed to my guard duty . " Hello Heidi , are you doing guard duty with me " I asked In high pitched , chipmunk voice ?

"Yes Felix I am now shut up whilst I look at myself in the mirror some more . " She replied back in a low , miserable tone . Hey what is that noise .

"Oh Caius , baby , yeah , faster , oh yeah , ooh CAUIS !" Athendora , is she in trouble .

"Dora , oh baby , oh yeah ." Caius is in trouble to I better go and rescue them ! I was going to run at vampire speed but Heidi asked " Where the fuck are you going ?"

"I am going to rescue Master Caius and Athendora , they sound like they are in trouble !"

She laughed uncontrollably until she whispered in my ear " Felix , they are Fu- actually yeah go and be a hero and rescue them !" I nodded and I ran into my room and put on my superman costume but the red underpants snapped so I put a pair of my grey , holey ones on and I dashed to where the noise was coming from ! I OPENED THE DOOR AND SAW A DUNGON ! Has my Master and his wife been locked up in a dungeon ? I will have to fight of a Dragon , I went round the corner to see my mistress Athendora handcuffed to … is that Master Caius spanking- ooh oops !

"FELIX WHAT THE FUCK ?! " CAUIS SCREAMED TRYING TO COVER UP HIS NAKED BODY , FUCKING HELL HE'S BIG ! "WHY ARE YOU STARING AT MY COCK ? PERVERT GET OUT AND CHANGE THOSES UNDERPANTS , IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE HAD THEM FOR A FUCKING MILLINEUM , WE ARE BILLINARES USE IT YOU SICK , MOTHERFUCKING , PERVERT !" I mumbled a sorry before exiting the fuck hut , back to Heidi who was rolling on the floor laughing .

"Idiot , that is not nice , I really did not want to see them doing that !"

"Yeah , but it was so fucking funny !"

Aro's POV

I have to go to the shop and buy some balloons for Athendora , it is her 143something birthday ! I loose count over the centuries ! I got inside my red , Italian sports car and I drove to the shop .

"Hello sir , may I purchase some balloons ?" I asked looking at the man behind the counter , he was about 25 and had no shirt on , he has a six pack .

"FUCK ME !" The gentleman asked me , did he just say that ?

" Pardon ?" I asked eying him , suspiciously .

" Stay , I will show you ." How is he going to show me . Ooh there Is a packet of balloons , okay I

need four packets of the small and – what is he doing . Was his lips on my – Oh dear mother of God

my wife will not be happy !

**15 minutes later **

"Um , thank you Terrence , that was very pleasurable . "

"You're welcome , Aro , so you want to buy some balloons ?"

"Yes , I would like four packets of the small ones and eighteen packets of the big ones !"

"Sure , 5.99 !"

Once I paid and purchased the balloons I went back home . When I was back home Caius was done

fucking Athendora . "It took you this long to go to the store around the corner to purchase some god

damn balloons ?!" He shouted

"Did you fuck another random gay dude ?" Demetri added

"YOU BASTAD !"My gorgeous wife screamed

"Darling I am sorry but he had a six pack ! "

"If you want a fucking six pack go to Forks and let the mongrel/paedophile hump your leg !"

Caius was laughing hysterically at that comment .

**4 and half hours later**

"Athendora , please come down to the Throne room !"

YES !

**_I AM GETTING PRESENTS , _**

**_I GET TO DRAIN EVERY OUNCE OF BLOOD, _**

**_FROM ALL THE FUCKING PEASENTS !_**

**_IT IS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY , _**

**_I AM READY TO PLAY !_**

**_I WONDER WHAT I WILL GET ?_**

**_I HOPE I GET A NEW LAPTOP , _**

**_THE ONE I HAVE IS BROKE , _**

**_AND I CAN NOT ACSSES THE INTERNET . _**

**_TODAY I GET WHAT I WANT , _**

**_CUZ ITS MY MOTHERFUCKING GOD DAMN BIRTHDAY !_**

I hummed the beat to the song I just made up whilst going to my party !

"**SURPRISE !" **The whole of the Volturi were there .

_PLEASE LEAVE ALL OVERCOATS , CAINS AND TOP HATS WITH THE DOORMAN,_

_ FROM THAT MOMENT ,_

_YOU'LL BE OUT OF PLACED AND UNDERDRESSED , _

_IM RECKING THIS EVEING ALREADY AND ,_

_LOVING EVERY MUNITE OF IT , _

_RUINING THIS BANQUET FOR THE MILDLY INSPIRING END _

I sang along to my favourite song by Panic! At the disco – there's a good reason these tablets are

numbered honey you just haven't thought of it yet .

PRESENTS ABOUT MOTHERFUCKING , GOD DAMN TIME!

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY THIS IS FROM ME !" CAIUS INFORMED ME

I TORE OF THE WRAPPING PAPER WITH CHRISTMAS TREES ON AND INSIDE WAS 6 PAIRS OF SEXY

UNDERWARE , A BOOK '101 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR EXTREMELY CRITICAL , VAMPIRE HUSBAND IN

THE BEDROOM ' BY 'EMMETT MACCATY' ALSO A GIFT CARD TO VICTORIA'S SECRET AND ANE

SUMMERS ! "I LOVE IT !"

"THIS IS FROM ME ." SAID ARO HANDING ME A BOX WRAPPED , WELL NOT WRAPPED BUT HAD

SCRUMPELED UP NEWS PAPER OVER IT . "I LOVE IT I ALWAYS WANTED THIS BOARD GAME !"

SNAKES AND LADDERS ! "THIS IS FROM ME !" SAID FELIX . OH WHAT IS IT ? IT IS A BBIG FURRY THING

WITH A BOX OVER THE TOP RIGHT SIDE OF IT . I LIFTED UP THE BOX

"THANK YOU FELIX I ALWAYS WANTED A LAMAR !"

"THIS IS FROM ME !" SULCIPA HANDED ME A BIG BOX . INSIDE WAS A BIG MAKEUP SET

"I LOVE IT LETS TEST IT OUT ON CAUIS !"

"WHAT !" HE SCREAMED LIKE A LITTLE GIRL !

"IT IS MY BIRTHDAY NOW SIT THE FUCK DOWN !"

15 MINUTES LATER MY HUSBAND TURNED INTO MY WIFE !

"YOU LOOK FANTASTIC WITH SILVER , GLITTERY EYESHADOW , RED , SLUTY LIPGLOSS , BLACK ,

DIMOND FAULSE EYELASHERS , COATED WITH MASSCARA AND RED BLUSH , AS WELL AS BLACK

EYELINER . ALSO THE WHITE WIG MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAE SANDY'S HAIR FROM GREACE !"

SAID ALEC !

"THANK YOU I LOVE IT !" CAUIS SAID !

WE THEN ATE SOME CHOCLATE BIRTHDAY CAKE MADE BY THE CHOCY WOCHY DOO DAH TEAM IN

BRISTOL OR WHEREVER THEY ARE FROM , BRIGHTION OR WHATEVER .

When it was over Caius asked "Did you have a good day , my sweet ?"

"YES THE BEST !"

IT WAS TRUE I HAD A GREAT DAY I LOVED MY PRESENTS I GOT :

A card board cut out of Opera Windfree from Alec

Spiderman toys from Demetri

A packet of crumpets from Santiago

A pencil sharpener in the shape of someone's arse from Heidi

A pencil from Afton

A box of crayons from Marcus

A laptop from our newest human worker Levi

A carton of sour milk from Corin

A Meer cat fridge magnet from Renta

A steering wheel from Chelsea

And the other 17 members of the guard got me :

A pile of rubber

A stick

A pregnancy tester

A dead fox

Sheldon Cooper

A buzz lighter toy

Nemo

Urine (Simon Cowells )

A packet of barbeque beef noodles

A clock

A tennis ball

A head of a two year old boy

A box of eggs

A package which contains tickets to the Grammys 2007

A piece of paper with instructions on how to build a time machine so I can go to the Grammys I

2007 since it is 2013 now

A picture of a picture of a picture a picture of a picture a picture of a picture hanging on someone's

Wall

And a portrait of Kenny from south park being eaten by mice .

" I am glad you had a good day my darling !"

"You made it the best day ever !"

"Thank you , I'm glad I could !"

"I love you !"

**"I love you to !" I mumbled as our lips connected !**

**PLEASE REVEIW!**


	4. Chapter 4 - Emmetts gift

**Thnx so much 4 reviews , they mean the world!**

**So keep them coming ….**

**The Cullen's daily life's : A bunch of random one shots **

**Carlisle's POV **

I'd just gotten back from my job at the local hospital of Forks , Washington , I pulled my Mercedes's into the garage . " KANGAROO PUKE !" Strange , Emmett just shouted '_kangaroo puke' ? _"Carlisle , I need to inform you of something ." My gorgeous wife said walking up to me . "OH MY GOD , LLAMBAS ATE DICKWARD !" Emmett yelled . Bella smacked his head defending her mate , Emmett made a pouty face before saying ."Owie Bellsie , you're a gnome ! Did he just call her a gnome ? "Emmett has turrets syndrome !" How can a vampire have turrets syndrome . "PURPLE PANCAKES !" For over 400 years I have been an immortal , never have I heard of a vampire with this syndrome ! "He has also been acting more unintelligent then usual , he started talking to Jacob's toothbrush earlier, he was acting quite flirtatious towards Bella's phone , he ate a Banana and started hitting his head of his bedroom wall yelling 'Follow the Iguana ' !" I was shocked , Emmett has done inappropriate and foolish things in the past , but this behaviour is extremely strange ….

"SUGER TITS !" Emmett shouted whilst taking of his shirt .

"EMMETT!" We all shouted – except Nessie – she was standing their blushing at her uncle's words "No need to Blush Ness , can I ask you something ?" She hesitated for a moment . "Okay ." My Granddaughter said looking worried . "Why aren't you in Scotland?" She looked dismayed at his comment of calling her the loch ness monster . Edward pushed him against a wall , little cracks appeared on his face but quickly healed . "Edward , can I ask you something ?" "What?" Edward said , he didn't want to invade Emmett's privacy by reading his thoughts . "Which of Bella's lips do you like kissing more , the one's on her face or the one's on her pu-" Edward lunged at Emmett and they were wrestling with each other . "Mom ?" Nessie asked Bella . Bella nervously looked at her daughter "Yeah ?" Her golden eyes were focusing on her gorgeous daughter . " What's your other lips ?" Her eye brows knitted together in confusion . "He's joking , he is just being stupid ." Nessie nodded simply .

**EMMETTS POV **

"Penguin pussy , shitty tit , nutty nipple , angry arse that is what Edwards made off !" I sang , pleased with the new song I just made up . "Emo erections , shitty civil wars , broody broccoli , bum blood , that's what Jasper's made off !" I'm on a role . "Dog farts , dog food from Wal-Mart , peadophilerness , and saggy tits that's what Jacob's made off !" Oh my God , that is the most sexiest thing I've ever seen ."Well Hello !" I said to the coffee table . That's one sexy piece of wood ! I sat on the table after taking my pants off and started to ma-" Fuckward yelled at me "NOOOOOO!" he lunged and we started singing the Hannah Montana theme song together , Eddy took off his shirt and we kissed and we did it like they do on the discovery channel . Nessie left the room and went into Alice and Jaspers room with Alice and Jasper . Carlisle and Esme went to their room . Bella and Rosalie tore me off Eddy's luscious lips . "I think Emmett has a gift , control over your actions , he can make you do what he wants you to do!" Everyone came back in the living room and gasped .

**I KNOW THAT WAS SHIT AND REALLY POINTLESS BUT WHAT THE FUCK ? I UPDATED RITE ?! REVIEW , GIVE ME SOME CRED I'M LAZY**

**IT WAS LESS THEN 100 O WWORDS , WTF REVIEW!**


	5. Chapter 5 - THIS STORY IS SHIT !

_**Thnx 4 the reviews , I love them !Soooo – MORE! **_

_**THIS IS FIFTH ONE SHOT , I AM DOING 6 , IF YOU WANT MORE I WILL GO UP TO 8 , SO LET ME KNOW!**_

_**I OWN TWILIGHT ! WHEN I DREAM ;( SO IN OTHER WORDS , TWILIGHT AND IT'S CHARACTERS , BELONG TO THE FABULOUS STEPHENIE MEYER ! **_

_**The Cullen's daily life's : A bunch of random one shots !**_

_**SAM'S POV**_

OH MY GOD! I CAN NOT BELIVE I AM GOING TO A JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT WITH CLAIRE! THE GUY IS GAY! BUT EMILY IS MY IMPRINT , I PROMISED I WOULD TAKE CLAIRE TO THE CONCERT ! HOW BAD CAN IT BE ? "UNCLE SAM!" CLAIRE YELLED , RUNNING TO ME . HER FACE WAS COVERD IN PINK LOVE HEARTS SAYING 'I HEART JUSTIN' SHE LOOKED CUTE ! "YES CLAIRE BEAR ?" "LEAVEING NOW !"

2 AND A HALF HOURS LATER AFTER A VERY LONG DRIVE, I WAS SITTING IN A ROOM WAITING FOR THIS PRICK TO SING . "HELLO EVERYBODY , I'M JUSTIN BIEBER, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT!" CLAIRE SCREAMED "JUSTINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNN!" THE GAYLORD STARTED TO SING SOMESONG WHICH TITLE WAS A LIE; LOVE ME ! NO I DON'T WAN'T TO FUCKING LOVE YOU ! I LOVE MY EMILY .

MY EMILY .

I ALSO LOVE POPCORN ….

I REMEMBER WHEN EMILY WAS FEEDING ME POPCORN NAKED (SHE WAS NAKED , NOT THE POPCORN !) I ALMOST CHOCKED WHEN SHE THREW ONE RIGHT DOWN MY THROAT BEFORE , I SWALLAWED OR CHEWED , STILL , ONE OF MY FAVE MEMORIES !

I REMEMER , WHEN WE WENT TO LA PUSH AND WE PUSHED PAUL AND RACHEL OF A CLIFF WHILST THEY WERE FUCKING EACH OTHER , THEY BROKE THEIR ARMS AND LEGS , HA ! IT WAS HALLERIOUS !

**SOME TIME LATER **

"SAMMY , JUSTIN LEFT ." CLAIRE SAID , WOW ! I SLEPT THROUGH IT ! GREAT ! "LETS GO , CLAIRE."

WE LEFT AND DROVE HOME . I GRABBED EMILY AN KISSED HER PATIONATLY , SHE LOOKED BEAUTIFUL . "HOW WAS IT ?" SHE ASKED . I STARED AT HER BLANKLY "WELL , IT PROBALY WAS SHIT BUT , I FELL ASLEEP." SHE LAUGHED AND WE WENT TO BED .

_**CLAIRE'S POV **_

I JUST SAW JUSTIN BIEBER ! SAMMY FELL ASLEEP , I WENT TO SEE JUSTIN BACKSTAGE AND I KISSED HIM AND HE SAID HE WOULD GIVE ME A SPECIAL PRESENT AND HE GAVE ME A TEDDY BEAR AND IT IS SO SOFT AND I JUST ATE 18 PIXIE STICKS AND I AM NOT TIERD ! I WANT QUIL , I CLIMED OUT THE WINDOW AND WENT TO QUIL'S HOUSE AND I THEN KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND HE ANSWERD IT AND I SAID HELLO AND SO DID HE AND I HAD A VERY GOOD DAY TODAY , I ATE 45 MORE PIXIE STICKS AND I PLAYED HIDE AND GO SEEK WITH QUILL AND I PLAYED ON LA PUSH AND I LISTENED TO JUSTIN BIEBER ON THE TELLY AND I ENTERD A DANCE COMPERTITION IN THE BATHROOM AND WON A HIPPO , AND I FOUND A JELLY BEAN IN THE SEWERS AND ATE IT AND I DID QUILS MAKE UP AND MADE HIM WEAR A PINK DRESS AND I PLAYED WITH MY FRIENDS (MOLLY MOO COW AND SIDNEY SNAKE ) AND I THEN I FOUND OUT THAT MILK TASTES NICE WITH WEE WEE IN IT AND I FOUND OUT THAT I AM A GIRL !

_**I AM A LAZY BITCH , THAT WAS A TERRIBLE FUCKING STORY , I KNOW , BUT DO I GIVA SHIT ? NO !**_

_**HEY , LEAST I UPDATEDDDDDDDDDDDDD!**_


	6. Chapter 6-THE DENALI BUNNY!

Shuda updated soona but I have updated (including this one) 7 of my stories today!

Stephanie Meyer owns twilight

**Random one shot shit with a big title that I can never remember **

**Garrett's POV**

"**Kateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeee!" I yelled for my mate .**

"**Garrettttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttttttttt!" **

"**Yes ." we said together .**

"**what do you want?" she asked .**

"**I want a bunny!" I said whilst jumping up and down like a small , immature child .**

"**To eat ?" She said raising and eye brow , a perfectly styled blonde/brownish , thin eyebrow .**

"**No Katie Waite , as a pet !" I said flicking my finger over her smooth nose. **

"**Okay! Let's go and buy one !" My mate said kissing my cheek (my face cheek not my arse cheek) **

**We arrived at the pet store and went in . **

"**Ooh , let's get this one!" I said pointing to the bunny . **

"**Ooh , okay!" My mate exclaimed .**

**We bought the bunny and brought it home . **

**We put it in the hutch we bought it and put rabbit food and water in its hutch too , we also put a soft , small blanket In there as well , for when it's bunny bedtime ! **

"**What now?" I asked . **

"**Let's name him?"**

" **Marvin !" I yelled excitedly .**

"**GREAT NAME!" Kate screeched , enthusiasm was clear in her voice . **

"**Tanya , Eleazar and Carmen will be so happy when the return from their hunting trip!"**

"**Hello Garrett and Kate!" **

"**Who is that?" I asked Kate .**

"**Dunno!" She replied . **

"**It's me , I 'ma talking bunny!"**

**Me and Kate gasped . "Awesome!" We both said in harmony . **

"**Yeah I also sing : **

**I AM A LITTLE BUNNY ,**

**ALL CUTE AND FURY , **

**I AM FULL OF HUGS , **

**I AM OWNED BY TWO CRAZY PEOPLE WHO I'M SURE ARE ON DRUGS , **

**THEY LIVE IN A LITTLE HOUSE ,**

**WITH OTHERS I'LL MEET LATER ,**

**THEY'LL BE HAPPY TO SEE ME ,**

**DID I MENTION THAT ME MIDDLE NAME IS SEBASTION? , **

**WELL IT IS TRUE ,**

**MARVIN SEBASTION DENALI LOVES YOU , **

**DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A CARROT ,**

**TO BAD THERE MINE YOU FAGGOT , **

**I AM A HAPPY BUNNY , **

**MY TEETH ARE FUNNY , **

**I LIVE IN ALASKA AND IT IS NOT SUNNY ,**

**I WANT A RECORD DEAL , **

**I ALSO WANT A WHEEL , **

**DUNNO WHY ,**

**I JUST DO , **

**THE PERSON WHO IS READING THIS IS YOU ,**

**YOU MUST THINK IM CRAZY ,**

**EVERYBODY THINKS THAT LATLY ,**

**I AM A BUNNY , **

**THIS IS THE END OF MY SONG!**

**SO WATCHA THINK?"**

"**I THINK WERE GONNA TAKE YOU BACK TO THE PET STORE!" KATE SAID**

"**NOOOOOOOOO, GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE?"**

"**OKAY!" I SAID . **

**I AM SO RANDOM , PLEASE REVIEW!**


	7. Chapter 7-THE SEX TALK!

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while but I'm back…**

**The Cullen's daily life's : A bunch of random one shots**

**Renesmee's POV**

PERFECT! I just finished my colouring book's final picture , I didn't go out the lines once in the whole book! I'm going to go show Aunt Rosie and Uncle Emmie! I'll show everyone else when they return from hunting !

What's that weird sound?

"EMMETT , FASTER , FASTER! Mmmmm , Em , EMMETT!"

Is Aunt Rosie and Uncle Emmie in trouble?

"Auntie Rosie , Uncle Emmie!" I shouted frantically .

They were in front of me in a flash .

"Yes Nessie?" Aunt Rosie said .

"Why is your hair messy?" I asked , her hair is usually a silky , golden colour much like her eyes.

"Oh , um , I'm trying out a new style …" She replied , uncle Emmett was smirking.

"I like your other style better."

"Oh , um okay , I will , anything else you want?" She asked.

"What were you doing up there?" I questioned.

"Oh um … watching TV …" She looked uncertain .

"No you weren't , tell me." I don't like lying , neither does Grandma .

"I'll mouth it to you." Announced Uncle Emmett.

I focussed carefully and watched his lips as he formed every letter.

"What's sex?" I said after reading his lips , they looked astonished .

"OKAY , UM BEDTIME NOW!" They said together , they tucked me in Mommy's old bed in Daddy's old room .

_**THE NEXT DAY_**

Uncle Emmie was babysitting me today , I was in my home (the cottage) today. Mommy , Auntie Alice and Auntie Rosie went shopping , Daddy and Uncle Jasper were out buying new car's and Grandma and Grandpa went hunting.

Uncle Emmett was sitting in the living room , he was watching football , I went over to him .

"Uncle Emmie , can I ask you something?"

"I'm watching the game , later Ness."

"But I wanna ask you what something means."

"Google it."

"Okay."

"Good."

I skipped to my room and turned on my pink laptop , I put it on Google and typed in 'sex' .

Different links came up , what should I click on?

Porn , sex tips , sex positions , images of sex , Wikipedia sex or Anne Summers .

I decided to see what sex was an clicked on images , I saw a picture of a man and a woman lying in a bed kissing . Is sex kissing ? I wondered to myself . I saw the next photo of a woman who had two weird lumps on her chest , she was bending over and it looked as she was screaming , there was a man standing behind her shirtless . So is sex screaming? The next photo was of a weird , long thing in someone's hand , it looked like it was going into a woman's private parts . Is sex putting long , weird things into the woman's vagina ?

I went of the images and onto the Wikipedia .

It had lots of complicated words I didn't understand , so I just logged off and decided to ask mommy tomorrow .

**TOMMOROW/THE NEXT DAY **

Mommy was reading on the couch and I was watching TV , I turned it off and turned to my mom .

"Mom ?" I whispered , she imminently put her book down at vampire speed .

"Yes?" She replied softly .

"What's sex?" She looked scared . "Mommy what's wrong ? Is sex kissing ? Or is sex screaming? Is sex putting long , weird things into the woman's vagina ?"

"Um …"

"So what is it?"

"I um , you , err don't need to know yet…"

"But I wanna know."

"Um , it's um , sex is … a game…"

"Really ? Can I have sex with you? I wanna play sex!" I yelled excitedly .

My mom laughed nervously .

"Sex is when a boy and a girl show each other they love each other." She rephrased.

"So can I have sex with Daddy?"

"NO! Only adults have sex!"

"What's a pussy?"

"It's another name for a vagina."

"What's a penis?"

"You know how girls have vagina's or… pussy's ….. well men have penises ."

"So why does Uncle Emmett call Daddy a pussy?"

"He means a cat….."

"So what's sex?"

"It's when two people love each other."

"Wikipedia said that the penis went inside the Vagina."

"It … um … does … the man put's his penis inside the woman's vagina." My mom said.

"Why?"

"To um , show each other that they love each other."

"Why can't they say I love you , your private parts are meant to be kept private?"

"Um , cause some people like to do it that way."

"Why?"

"Cause some people think it feels good."

"Do you and Daddy do that?"

"Do what?"

"Have sex?"

"NO!"

"Wikipedia said that it makes babies."

"Yeah , um it does."

"So you and Daddy had sex to make me?" I asked.

"NO!"

"Then how was I made?"

"Magic!" Mommy exclaimed smiling .

"YAY! I'M MADE MY MAGIC!" I yelled jumping up and down . "But Mommy , if you and Daddy have not had sex what were you doing last night , and the night before?"

"Um , nothing."

"Mommy , why do you and Daddy have sex?"

"We don't." Her voice was breaking.

"Don't lie Mommy , you do."

"I told you , some people do that to show they love somebody."

"But Mommy , Daddy is 17 , he is not an adult."

"If I take you to MacDonald's and buy you some new doll's will you never mention this again?"

"Sure!" I yelled.

"Great , let's go to the mall then!" Mommy put on my coat on me and zipped it up , we got in her car (Ferrari) and drove off.

**OKAY SOOOOOOOOOOOO REVIEW!**


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